32. “Whoever told you to tweak a girl’s nipples is stupid. Don’t! No girl has ever been proven to like this.”

The editorial team at Cosmo would like to make the following statement: “Nuh-uh.”

This is our pinata for tonight.

This is our pinata for tonight.

What’s the weirdest OKCupid message you’ve gotten?

I’ll start:

"I’d smell your bicycle seat."

freesamuel suggests:

"the guy who wanted me to come to georgia for sex because he was so turned on by my body hair. Legit, first message he sent me."

Fun with OKCupid

Based entirely on my last batch of questions, I’m going to get matched with a chubby hipster boy that hates cats.

Based on my most recent matches, I’m going to get matched with an attorney who used to be in a punk band and does fire spinning on the weekends.

How am I supposed to respond to: “And yes, ladies, this man can cook.” OH BABY, I AM SO TURNED ON BY YOUR BASIC LIFE SKILLS?

Next match boasts he tried a new recipe TWICE this year. WE GOT A BADASS OVER HERE.

User identifies himself as “a Southern gentleman”. I am imagining someone who will open doors for me, try to pay for everything, and is okay with slavery.

I got the message “I’d smell your bicycle seat”.

So me having lots of sex really got to someone today.

(Trigger warning for rape denial and a whole bunch of other nasty stuff.)

I am such an Internet small fry it’s really weird to read stuff like this.