An Open Letter to My Critics Within the Fat Acceptance Movement.
To my regular followers: I realise I’ve already tackled this, and I apologise. But I don’t think I was quite angry enough last time so I’m remedying the situation.
Y’see, over the past couple of days, my views on the Fat Acceptance movement- specifically the view that all its constituent members, from pure Fat Activists to Fat Admirers and Feeders and BBWs, etc should stop fucking bickering and work together, has been heavily criticsed. Not with any valid argument about the debate itself but on the grounds that I’m a white male. Which is Just. Fucking. Stupid. Let me ask the people who have criticised me on these rather shaky grounds a question: Do you wake up every morning with the knowledge that it might be a Bad Day- one of those days where voices that aren’t you’re own scream and scrabble in your head and you have to make a consious effort not to give in to the mental illness and go mad? Or how about this one: how many of your memories from early childhood involve things other than getting the shit beaten out of you and the endless, bottomless rage- the actual desire to brutalise and maim- that’s born of that suffering? ‘Cause precious bleeding few of mine do. You look at me and all you see is privilege. You see a white bloke and assume that I don’t know what hardship is so my opinions are invalid. You see a Fat Admirer and it never even crosses your mind that maybe I’m not some monstrous pervert, that maybe I genuinely want to help. No. Because you can’t see past your own pathetic, inverted snobbery- your need to be the only ones whose opinions count for anything. Don’t act like you fucking know me. You don’t you presumptuous little fucks.
And you know what? I do get a few privileges from my ethnicity and gender. Enough that if I wanted, I could just walk away from the whole movement. I could find a plus-size geeky chick on an SSBBW/FA dating website, get a decent job, settle down and lead a nice, normal, quiet life. But I don’t: I choose to write in favour of the Fat Acceptance movement and, in doing so, expose myself to issues that might trigger the darkness of the mental illness and fury and pain that lurks in my subconcious. I choose to put my happiness and wellbeing on the line… for you ungrateful arseholes.
And don’t get me wrong. I am categorically NOT suggesting any fat women involved in the cause should be grateful for the fact that I find them attractive. That’s just a genetic accident… a sexy genetic accident. What I expect a bit of fucking respect for is the hours upon hours of time I spend researching my subject matter, the near-daily updates I go out my way to ensure even when I’ve got better things to do with my time. And of course, the Cause of Fat Acceptance should be grateful for every motherfucking ally it can get. Because goodness knows we’re not going to succeed if the only people who are allowed to participate are a bunch of clique-y fuckwits isolating themselves from anyone who might have something to add.
There’s a valid debate to be had over the extent to which Fat Admirers and feeders can contribute to the movement without the risk of sexualising it. Personally, I feel that we can be part of the movement without contaminating it, but I recognise that there is actually room for differences of opinion. So if you’re going to criticse my writing, you could try engaging in actual, critical debate by criticising my arguments, rather than attacking me personally. It’s childish, it’s selfish, its fucktarded and it’s beneath any member of this movement.
That said, if you desperately want to pick a fight with me, you could at least have the cajones to message me directly instead of doing snarky little reblogs. If you don’t like me, have the spine to say it to my face instead of bitching behind my back. At least then you might be worthy of a modicom of respect. Because at the moment, I’m just longing for the legal right to court-marshall you motherfuckers for you ignorance and stupidity. ‘Cause you see, that’s what REALLY annoys me. Not just the insult to me personally, but the fact that anyone who isn’t part of your little clique who sees it and wants to help the Fat Acceptance movement is going to be put off by your embattled position, your refusal to accept outside aid. And that means the movement loses allies. You’re inverted snobbery damages the cause when you put it on public display like that. So yeah- if you’ve got something to say to me, say it to ME. At least that way you don’t end up hurting the cause you’re trying to help. That’s all soliders…. DISMISSED!
HAHAHAHAHA
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haha
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*ahem*
Let’s do a little rundown, shall we?
First of all, fuck you.
You “may” get “some” privileges because you’re a cisgendered straight white male?
JUST SOME PRIVILEGES?
Don’t be so naff.
ESPECIALLY after you wrote posts about thin privilege. How dare you talk about one privilege, A PRIVILEGE THAT YOU HAVE, and refuse to acknowledge the others? Why? Because you’re not secret-diary-of-a-guy-who-fucks-women-of-color? Because you’re not secret-diary-of-a-gay-dude? No. You don’t get to choose a la carte~~*~ the aspects of feminism that you wish to explore in an academic manner, simply because your preferences are attacked by society. You don’t get to talk about how BODIES ARE SUDDENLY POLITICAL because BODIES HAVE ALWAYS BEEN FUCKING POLITICAL.
You don’t get a pat on the back for being an ally.
You don’t get a pat on the back because you like fucking fat girls.
You don’t get a pat on the back for being aware that thin privilege exists.
You do have to accept the fact that when you explore these ideas, and you get things wrong, that there will be people who are going to correct you.
It’s just the way it goes, bro.
Furthermore, “snarky little reblogs” are a tumblrversion of having a discussion, and allowing outside persons to engage in said discussion. You don’t like criticism? Too bad. You don’t get to criticize the world without being corrected when you are wrong. Put on your big boy britches and deal with it.
Edit: DID YOU REALLY ASK FOR RESPECT FOR SPENDING “HOURS” RESEARCHING FOR YOUR POSTS? SERIOUSLY? Why don’t you fucking respect the BILLIONS of people you erased when you said that bodies were SUDDENLY political, as if racism, cissexism, sexism, and ableism haven’t been fucking rampant in the world since I DON’T KNOW, FOREVER!? Have enough respect for us/them to acknowledge when you’re erasing people’s experiences, apologize, correct yourself, and move on. You don’t get cookies for doing the right thing. And you don’t get cookies for being an ally. If you’re doing this for respect, you’re doing it for the WRONG reasons.
Spot. On. Commentary.
Fat admirers have a long history of doing jack-shit for “the movement” except trying to warp it to serve their needs. They’d probably love to dial back the “movement” to when it was just a bunch of thin dudes patronizingly trying to defend their fat wives. The same time when dudes like this probably said much the same thing (probably without fantasizing about imprisoning their critics, though) to groups of politicized ACTUAL fat people like the Fat Underground. Do you think they got a warm reception from “the movement”? No. They had a lot of condescending thin fat admirers thin-splaining to them how they were doing activism wrong. Just like this dude.
I think fat admirers can have a place in fat activism, and not just as ally’s. There are real ways we experience shaming and stigmatization because of our sexuality. But, fat admirers also regularly exploit their privilege to deflect as much of that disenfranchisement back at fat women as possible. To have a place in fat liberations, fat admirers must come to terms with that and they must respect that no one is obliged to trust us. You earn trust. You don’t right entitled screeds demanding it. As long as fat admirers insist on only doing that, they’ll continue doing more harm than good.
I really need to write my long gestating survey of the ways fat admirers keep fucking up. I really love my sexuality, but I’m frustrated at the lack of community I feel about as I keep feeling alienated by the destructive and abusive behavior of other fat admirers. As I explained at my blog, I can’t disassociate myself with them, either. Their behavior alienates me, but I can’t pretend that our sexual orientation is relevantly dissimilar. I get why fat activists don’t trust fat admirers. They shouldn’t. I’d want to see some kind of trust built, but its not going to happen by scolding fat people for not genuflecting at the alter of fat admiration.
Brad Pitt Eating Things. Yes, it’s a Tumblr.
I don’t even like Brad Pitt, but this is amazing.
Micah Thinks adds:
“Dana told me once that the reason he eats in a lot of his movies is because it adds another, more human level to his character – he’s not just thinking about lines like an actor, he’s got more on his mind. I don’t really care if that’s the truth or not, I like it.”
Dean Winchester: patron saint of feedees.
(Source: renegadeson, via jennylewren)
Stuffies: Why Fat Fetishists and Fat Activists Never End Up In Bed Together
Amanda, of Feedee World, got pissed off with Fat Activism recently:
Marilyn Wann, aka the author of Fat? SO! and previously a member of the NAAFA board of directors, as just unfriended me on Facebook. Why? Because I told her I was a Feedee and that “[l]ong story short, life is very complicated. Especially when you try to be balance aspects of your life that conflict, Fat Acceptance, Fat Sexuality, Personal Choice etc.”
*sigh*
I just find it so hard to understand why the Fat Acceptance groups can’t ACCEPT us as well.
Though I think a lot of us are ultimately working towards the same things, acceptance between marginalized groups is still difficult. The past few months delving into the fat-o-sphere has led me to take a stab at some of the reasons why it’s so hard for fat acceptance advocates to just say “YKIOK, IJNMK”:
Taken as a whole, the fat acceptance movement appears to be sexually conservative. Most of the relationship questions have to deal with dating and marriage, and the questions relating to sex often have less to do with the fucking itself and more on the first steps of becoming self-loving enough to let someone see you with your clothes off.
As TR said in the comments on The Rotund’s post on fat and sex:
… I think it’s also sometimes hard for people to go there because it IS so ingrained that “no one will ever want you” – one of the most commonly played jokes on fat kids is setting them up to believe someone is romantically interested in them, after all.
That said, it seems really important to push past that.
While a focus on positive body image is needed in a culture with narrow standards of beauty, it also means that non-mainstream concepts of sex, including body modifications like feederism, are poorly understood in fat acceptance circles. I’ve yet to see concepts like RACK discussed on a fat acceptance blog (though if anyone has a link to correct me with, please send it along!) Even more problematic, there is a false hierarchy of “preference” vs. “fetish” when it comes to being attracted to fat: “fetishists” are often seen as scary, unable to have any attraction to their partner beyond the physical, while people with “preferences” are considered capable of feelings.
Sometimes people with a “fat fetish” are considered less problematic than feederists, even though it seems like the definitions should have at least some overlap. This has lead to pure facepalm moments in otherwise intelligent commentary, such as during The Fatcast’s two-part podcast on love, sex, and dating, titled Love and Other Indoor Sports. During both portions of the podcast, the hosts talk positively about being attracted specifically to fat, discuss the unfounded fears people often have of fetishists, and then turn around and exclude feederists from that category. The longest discussion of fat, preferences, and fetish comes around the 25 minute mark in part 2. The specific mention of feederism is around minute 34.
To be fair, I think very few people involved with all this commentary have a good idea of what “fetish” actually means: the concept is still being debated in many circles, and the medical definition and popular culture definitions of the word vary widely. I myself know only just enough to be dangerous.
The other side of the problem lies with the feederism/fat admiration community: lack of positive role models. I haven’t had much luck at all finding well-reasoned, properly spelled, or even decently written porn in the most well-known feederism/fat admiration groups, never mind the academic style arguments favored by social justice movements. Part of the reason why I started writing my own porn—and kept writing even after I found someone to play with—was that so much of what I found elsewhere just didn’t do it for me. So much seemed to be centered around a “white trash” ideal of a fat girl, or morphed the body fantastically when I like some realism even in my fantasy. And let’s not forget the prevalence of the male gaze: I’m still one of the few girls-who-feed-guys out there.
That said, here are some resources that I found eye-opening:
Alison Tyler’s story “Feeder” in Cleis Press’ erotic story collection She’s On Top: This short tale doesn’t refer to any part of Internet feederist culture except the title. Instead, it focuses on the sensuality of cooking, eating, and sex as shared by a suburban couple.
Men In Full: curated by a woman, this blog culls images from modern and classical art to celebrate the larger male form.
The Git Bigger Blog: despite its silly name, this is a well-written blog about one gay man’s quest to remake his body into his bearish ideal.
Gluttony & Lust: tooting my own horn, it’s true, but this post has done more “preference crossing” than any other thing I’ve written.
More intelligent shit to consider from the wonderful molly-ren.
So it looks like this is going around again! :D Check out the responses I got to this post here and some more fetish links on my new resources page.
Le Wren: Bisizuals, FAs, and Feedists: A Spectrum of Bullshit
Everyone is posting about the feeder/feedee part of this. But when I saw it last night, it’s the other part that bothers me. I’m sure because I’m not a feeder/feedee. But the OP basically says that unless your significant other is a closet feeder there is no way they can be attracted to your fat body. Which I find completely ridiculous. A person can find a fat body attractive without being a feeder. I know it’s only one persons opinion but what the OP is stating is just not true.I was gonna type a long rant about this, but to boil it down to one question to those who prefer a fat sexual partner:
Does your sexuality involve fat in a major way?
If no, you’re just a normal person who…
Okay.
I have a lot of issues with several things the OP brought up, particularly a sentiment I’ve been noticing lately among more vocal feedists.
“However, can you do everyone involved a favor and stop trying to date non-feedists?”
and
“We need all the feedists to make themselves known because seeing more and more will let others know they are not alone.”
… It’s not my obligation to date within the feederism community. Just because someone has a fetish does not mean that their first and main criteria in seeking a partner should be sharing that fetish.
I’m a feedie. Openly. “Out of the fridge.” I’m dating a non-feedist, not because I’m ashamed of my fetish, but because it isn’t necessary for me to date within the community’s dating pool to be both sexually and emotionally fulfilled.
News flash: Just because they don’t share your fetish doesn’t mean they won’t indulge in it with you. And vice versa, you in theirs. That’s how adults work, compromise and all.
I’ve heard feedists be advised to dump their current significant other because they weren’t “a part of the community” and just “wouldn’t ever truly fulfill them.” We’re not some exclusive club that renders us incapable of interacting with people outside the fetish.
Whenever I’ve heard this argument it really takes on a tinge of “But where’s my feedie? Is she dating a normie? No faaairrrr.”
Sorry if this comes off harshly but this is really a sore spot with me. Don’t tell me who to date.
I have told several feeders they should dump their partner, male and female feeders. Its really not my business to tell them but almost every time they’ve made it their business to tell me all about their dissatisfaction with dating a nonfeedist. Usually the dissatisfied feeder wants me to feel sorry for them. They want me to coddle them and assure them that their suffering is not for naught. Sometimes it is valid advise to tell a feedist to dump their nonfeedist partner.
Whenever I’ve heard this argument it really takes on a tinge of “But where’s my feedie? Is she dating a normie? No faaairrrr.”
That is a good point to keep in mind.
I would definitely agree that if someone comes to you, completely dissatisfied with their love life, and have tried and failed at compromise in the past, that you’re right to advise them to contemplate how important a fulfilling sex life is to them within a relationship. However, to say that people just “shouldn’t date outside of the feedist community” as the OP asserted, is ridiculous. You can be sexually fulfilled without both of you necessarily getting off on the same thing.