Stuffies

An Open Letter to My Critics Within the Fat Acceptance Movement.

red3blog:

shakethecobwebs:

secret-diary-of-an-fa:

To my regular followers: I realise I’ve already tackled this, and I apologise. But I don’t think I was quite angry enough last time so I’m remedying the situation.

Y’see, over the past couple of days, my views on the Fat Acceptance movement- specifically the view that all its constituent members, from pure Fat Activists to Fat Admirers and Feeders and BBWs, etc should stop fucking bickering and work together, has been heavily criticsed. Not with any valid argument about the debate itself but on the grounds that I’m a white male. Which is Just. Fucking. Stupid. Let me ask the people who have criticised me on these rather shaky grounds a question: Do you wake up every morning with the knowledge that it might be a Bad Day- one of those days where voices that aren’t you’re own scream and scrabble in your head and you have to make a consious effort not to give in to the mental illness and go mad? Or how about this one: how many of your memories from early childhood involve things other than getting the shit beaten out of you and the endless, bottomless rage- the actual desire to brutalise and maim- that’s born of that suffering? ‘Cause precious bleeding few of mine do. You look at me and all you see is privilege. You see a white bloke and assume that I don’t know what hardship is so my opinions are invalid. You see a Fat Admirer and it never even crosses your mind that maybe I’m not some monstrous pervert, that maybe I genuinely want to help. No. Because you can’t see past your own pathetic, inverted snobbery- your need to be the only ones whose opinions count for anything. Don’t act like you fucking know me. You don’t you presumptuous little fucks.

And you know what? I do get a few privileges from my ethnicity and gender. Enough that if I wanted, I could just walk away from the whole movement. I could find a plus-size geeky chick on an SSBBW/FA dating website, get a decent job, settle down and lead a nice, normal, quiet life. But I don’t: I choose to write in favour of the Fat Acceptance movement and, in doing so, expose myself to issues that might trigger the darkness of the mental illness and fury and pain that lurks in my subconcious. I choose to put my happiness and wellbeing on the line… for you ungrateful arseholes.

And don’t get me wrong. I am categorically NOT suggesting any fat women involved in the cause should be grateful for the fact that I find them attractive. That’s just a genetic accident… a sexy genetic accident. What I expect a bit of fucking respect for is the hours upon hours of time I spend researching my subject matter, the near-daily updates I go out my way to ensure even when I’ve got better things to do with my time. And of course, the Cause of Fat Acceptance should be grateful for every motherfucking ally it can get. Because goodness knows we’re not going to succeed if the only people who are allowed to participate are a bunch of clique-y fuckwits isolating themselves from anyone who might have something to add.

There’s a valid debate to be had over the extent to which Fat Admirers and feeders can contribute to the movement without the risk of sexualising it. Personally, I feel that we can be part of the movement without contaminating it, but I recognise that there is actually room for differences of opinion. So if you’re going to criticse my writing, you could try engaging in actual, critical debate by criticising my arguments, rather than attacking me personally. It’s childish, it’s selfish, its fucktarded and it’s beneath any member of this movement.

That said, if you desperately want to pick a fight with me, you could at least have the cajones to message me directly instead of doing snarky little reblogs. If you don’t like me, have the spine to say it to my face instead of bitching behind my back. At least then you might be worthy of a modicom of respect. Because at the moment, I’m just longing for the legal right to court-marshall you motherfuckers for you ignorance and stupidity. ‘Cause you see, that’s what REALLY annoys me. Not just the insult to me personally, but the fact that anyone who isn’t part of your little clique who sees it and wants to help the Fat Acceptance movement is going to be put off by your embattled position, your refusal to accept outside aid. And that means the movement loses allies. You’re inverted snobbery damages the cause when you put it on public display like that. So yeah- if you’ve got something to say to me, say it to ME. At least that way you don’t end up hurting the cause you’re trying to help. That’s all soliders…. DISMISSED!

HAHAHAHAHA

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haha

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*ahem*

Let’s do a little rundown, shall we?

First of all, fuck you. 

You “may” get “some” privileges because you’re a cisgendered straight white male?

JUST SOME PRIVILEGES?

Don’t be so naff.

ESPECIALLY after you wrote posts about thin privilege. How dare you talk about one privilege, A PRIVILEGE THAT YOU HAVE, and refuse to acknowledge the others? Why? Because you’re not secret-diary-of-a-guy-who-fucks-women-of-color? Because you’re not secret-diary-of-a-gay-dude? No. You don’t get to choose a la carte~~*~ the aspects of feminism that you wish to explore in an academic manner, simply because your preferences are attacked by society. You don’t get to talk about how BODIES ARE SUDDENLY POLITICAL because BODIES HAVE ALWAYS BEEN FUCKING POLITICAL. 

You don’t get a pat on the back for being an ally.

You don’t get a pat on the back because you like fucking fat girls.

You don’t get a pat on the back for being aware that thin privilege exists. 

You do have to accept the fact that when you explore these ideas, and you get things wrong, that there will be people who are going to correct you. 

It’s just the way it goes, bro. 

Furthermore, “snarky little reblogs” are a tumblrversion of having a discussion, and allowing outside persons to engage in said discussion. You don’t like criticism? Too bad. You don’t get to criticize the world without being corrected when you are wrong. Put on your big boy britches and deal with it.

Edit: DID YOU REALLY ASK FOR RESPECT FOR SPENDING “HOURS” RESEARCHING FOR YOUR POSTS? SERIOUSLY? Why don’t you fucking respect the BILLIONS of people you erased when you said that bodies were SUDDENLY political, as if racism, cissexism, sexism, and ableism haven’t been fucking rampant in the world since I DON’T KNOW, FOREVER!? Have enough respect for us/them to acknowledge when you’re erasing people’s experiences, apologize, correct yourself, and move on. You don’t get cookies for doing the right thing. And you don’t get cookies for being an ally. If you’re doing this for respect, you’re doing it for the WRONG reasons. 

Spot. On. Commentary.

Fat admirers have a long history of doing jack-shit for “the movement” except trying to warp it to serve their needs. They’d probably love to dial back the “movement” to when it was just a bunch of thin dudes patronizingly trying to defend their fat wives. The same time when dudes like this probably said much the same thing (probably without fantasizing about imprisoning their critics, though) to groups of politicized ACTUAL fat people like the Fat Underground. Do you think they got a warm reception from “the movement”? No. They had a lot of condescending thin fat admirers thin-splaining to them how they were doing activism wrong. Just like this dude.

I think fat admirers can have a place in fat activism, and not just as ally’s. There are real ways we experience shaming and stigmatization because of our sexuality. But, fat admirers also regularly exploit their privilege to deflect as much of that disenfranchisement back at fat women as possible. To have a place in fat liberations, fat admirers must come to terms with that and they must respect that no one is obliged to trust us. You earn trust. You don’t right entitled screeds demanding it. As long as fat admirers insist on only doing that, they’ll continue doing more harm than good.

I really need to write my long gestating survey of the ways fat admirers keep fucking up. I really love my sexuality, but I’m frustrated at the lack of community I feel about as I keep feeling alienated by the destructive and abusive behavior of other fat admirers. As I explained at my blog, I can’t disassociate myself with them, either. Their behavior alienates me, but I can’t pretend that our sexual orientation is relevantly dissimilar. I get why fat activists don’t trust fat admirers. They shouldn’t. I’d want to see some kind of trust built, but its not going to happen by scolding fat people for not genuflecting at the alter of fat admiration.

likefuckingspinningplates asked: When others talk about weight loss or weight gain I feel totally out of the loop. I never know what is an appropriate response. I dont relate to the emotions everyone else seems to have in regard to weight loss or gain. Therefor I feel like whatever I say or do is awkward and usually forced. Its wonderful to read your thoughtful intelligent posts. What I am mostly saying is thank you for writing Stuffies. I feel a tiny bit less alien from my peers.

Aw, thanks! Stuff like this is what keeps me writing! :D

The reasons why I feel odd when people talk about their weight are a huge mystery to me and I’ve enjoyed hearing from other people about it.

Another weird quirk I have is that I can’t stand watching massive weight gain in cartoons—which means about 80% of feederism “found porn” gives me the screaming mimis.

red3blog:

askaguywholikesfatchicks:

molly-ren:

Askaguywholikesfatchicks, did you even read the post that touched off this whole debate? Let me refresh your memory:

Do you think that this is a polite or respectful message? Is this how you message fat women you yourself want to date? The dude even uses the phrase “bbw women” as if he’s incapable of thinking of Kyla as a singular person.

As Kyla herself wrote in another post,

“Notice how all of the pictures you’ve reblogged of me are from my porn blog ? Which is the appropriate place for such photos to originate ? Notice how I never said anything about anyone jerking off to pictures I’ve taken of my ass ? I specifically talked about my outfit photos and pictures of me with my friends ?

“The “BBW” photo was not taken for Tumblr, it was taken for Flickr (where I post absolutely no suggestive or nude photos), though it’s also relevant to Tumblr. If you’ve not seen the post that inspired the photo, this is it.
I get weekly, bi-weekly, daily messages/comments on Flickr from fetishists and disrespectful people who only want to say ‘nice tits’, ‘mmmmm ur so sexy i luv bbws’, ‘would love to see u spred open’ <— an actual message I just copied from my inbox.”

Kyla’s message about the whole fetish/preference thing hasn’t always been the clearest, but I think it’d be hard to misinterpret her in this case. This isn’t just Kyla’s problem—it’s the problem of women as a whole and how their bodies are often viewed in a sexual manner even when they’re just outfit blogging or trying to play a video game or riding the Metro. She’s been getting dozens of messages like this on pictures of her hanging out with her friends.

How is that even slightly appropriate? Do you yourself see all fat women as fair game to approach all the time, even when they’re at the doctor’s office or trying to pay for groceries? Do you leave sexual messages on their Facebook photos where all their friends can see? Do you call all women “BBW”, whether they’re interested in the fat admiration subculture/feederism or not?

This isn’t about your fetish or preferences. This is about there being a time and a place. And until you get that, you’re part of the problem, no matter whether or not you write for the Hairpin or what your girlfriends look like.

I didn’t beef with the post that “kicked off this debate” because I didn’t have a problem with it. 

“Kyla’s message about the whole fetish/preference thing hasn’t always been the clearest”

This is probably due to the bullshit that people are allowing to be piggybacked onto her rhetoric? So please don’t treat me like I’m the one who said “eat shit and die” just because I’m skeptical of the slippery slope evident in Kyla’s sycophants that she’s not disassociating herself from.

Yeah, why are all those “sycophants” being so hostile to you just for calling what they say bullshit? You’re being so polite.

You got into this objecting to the following: “You wanting to stick your dick in a fat chick doesn’t end our oppression.”

Why? What is untrue about that? Do you contend that you wanting to stick your dick in a fat chick DOES end her oppression? I’m assuming not, so its hard not to look at your contribution as derailing. All the people you dismiss as “sycophants” are talking about the same kinds of experiences with the same kinds of men. If you want to be offended by all of this as a fat admirer, you should be. I am. I just know that the people I should be offended by are the fat admirers who are behaving in such obnoxious and harmful ways. I’m not going to be offended at a valid reaction women are having to being treated disrespectfully by men.

Askaguywholikesfatchicks wrote:

“‘Kyla’s message about the whole fetish/preference thing hasn’t always been the clearest’

“This is probably due to the bullshit that people are allowing to be piggybacked onto her rhetoric?”

Well, that is why I critiqued her in this post: I was afraid that the way she wrote it would start off another round of “fetishists are gross/scary!”. Since Kyla hasn’t responded to me personally, I dunno if she actually hasn’t thought out the difference between having a fetish/preference and respectfully expressing that fetish/preference, or if that was just an instance of horrible writing. Nevertheless, I think it’s fine that she took someone to task for mislabeling her, especially if it’s something that’s happened multiple times.

I’m also confused about what you believe now as well. Like Brian, I read your earlier writing and have the same question he just asked: “Do you contend that you wanting to stick your dick in a fat chick DOES end her oppression?” If this isn’t what you meant, you need to say it more clearly.

There’s actually several conversations going on here at once, and we probably need to divide them up.

First convo: having a fat fetish/preference doesn’t automatically make you creepy. We’ve had this convo before in the fatosphere, and we obviously need to have it again.

2nd convo: there is nevertheless a history of people who self-identify as having fat fetishes/preferences sending fat women rude things over the Internet, catcalling them, etc. This is part of a larger cultural problem about how people see women’s bodies. (I found it deeply amusing that Kyla wrote, “Do people message thin women on Flickr and say, ‘would love to be added as a friend i love skinny women’?”, ‘cuz yeah, they probably have. Almost any physical attribute is fair game.)

Surely we can acknowledge the first convo while talking about the second, or call out people for their problematic views on fetishes while agreeing that they have a point about harassing messages?